Welcome to the first-ever Citrus Valley Playhouse blog. Brian-come-lately, I know. What do you expect from a guy who writes an old time radio show?
To me “blog” sounds like a really cool sound effect for someone stepping into mud. Unfortunately, everything I know about technology and pop culture, I learned from my friends Jakob and Forthright.
But what to blog about? For me, the mission is clear: Connecting Arizonans - and the rest of the world! - to Arizona! Arizonans need connecting. You see, half of our population arrived here just last Tuesday, so we've got thousands of Arizonans still rooting for the Vikings and the Bears. Heck, we've got Native Americans still rooting for Siberia.
Consider the following: When the average Arizonan is quizzed about the history, culture, and politics of the Grand Canyon State, the results are shocking:
This blog will fix all that. Ready to get connected? Here's lesson 1: Evidently, in Arizona it is illegal for a donkey to sleep in a bathtub. You can find this info posted on several websites like this one. Okay, so it's not exactly like it fell from the lips of David McCullough but when it comes to this law, I'm going to play it safe and I suggest you do the same. I'd hate for you to end up in the slammer just because your donkey’s had a long, hard day and your hide-a-bed is broken.
Marshall searched the considerable vault of his prodigious brain and even poked around in his imagination for a while but the best he could say is, “Sometimes a whimsical law would be passed for a joke and other dumb laws were never taken off the books.”
My next call was to my friend Horton Bunches who volunteers at the Apache Junction library. He searched every single book in the Apache Junction library and says he found the answer.
Evidently, to understand this weird law one must understand the history of a certain Apache Junction art style called “Yard Art”.
The most popular element of yard art is a car on blocks, but new artists are always expanding the form.
Creators of Yard Art are called Yard Artisans, or sometimes, Junkanistas.
Stay with me now. In the late 1800s, an old donkey and spare bathtub were the typical elements of quality Yard Art. A certain Buckshot Grinney was thought to have the finest “tub and donkey set” in the area.
Buckshot Grinney in his Peruvian llama chaps
The Daily Dutchman said, “Buckshot’s tub has the perfect balance of rust and ring and his Donkey, E-gad, is the most gosh-awful, post-modern beast under heaven. This is Mr. Grinney’s best work since his pile of scrap lumber and string of raccoon pelts.”
But the local Sheriff, Newt Newton, felt spurned by Grinney’s success.
Sheriff Newt Newton, Grinney's nemesis and
author of the "Drowsy Donkey Law"
Newt was quite proud of his exhibit which included a dilapidated outhouse. But the Daily Dutchman excoriated the Sheriff’s work as “too doggone derivative.”
Infuriated, Sheriff Newton set out one night to secretly destroy Buckshot’s work when, lo and behold, he found E-gad sleeping in the tub. To Newt, this was a clear violation of the tenets of Yard Art. The tub was now “serving a purpose” and had lost its “junkness”. Art had been merged with function and so was no longer art, Newt said. To uphold the honor of the art community, the Sheriff declared Grinney's display illegal.
Grinney was livid. He countered that Newt used his outhouse as often as E-gad used the tub. Newt vehemently denied this and swore he’d arrest anyone who trespassed to prove the point.
In the end, Grinney could not make his accusation stick, and the law was passed:
No longer able to sleep comfortably, E-gad soon died and was used for glue...which Buckshot Grinney spread liberally on Newt’s outhouse seat late one night.
This time the accusation stuck. In fact, it took two days to work it free.
There you have it. Feeling Connected? Gosh, I hope so. I also hope your journalistic standards are not too high. It will make all of this a lot more fun.
Leave a comment. Keep coming back. Root for the Cardinals.
Brian Nissen
